"Ohhhhh baby I just orgasmed...Now get off me!"

“Women might be able to fake orgasms but men can fake whole relationships.” This thought-provoking and gender stereotypical bold statement was whispered in my ear by a tiny and fully sassy old-lady who attended one of my Valentine’s day stand-up comedy acts a few years back. She came up to me after the show in response to a few colorful jokes (or at least attempts at humor) about women’s ability to fake and pretend they are orgasming during sex often times to end undesirable and un-pleasurable intercourse with their partner. There should be no dispute in believing faking orgasmic completion is relationship deception. This week I will look at the context of this kind of dishonesty as well as other forms of romantic sexual deception.

In a 2008 study, researchers in the psychology department at Cal State Fullerton found that 45% of people (mostly women) in romantic relationships had in fact faked an orgasm. Since reading this study I have been vigorously attempting, you guessed it, to get ahold of 45% of my past lovers in order to confront them about their possible deception. Just I had expected they all continued their deceptive lies by inflating my sense of sexual self-worth by lying about another category that was concluded in the 2008 study. The researchers also discovered 31% of people tested, reported they had deceived their partners by telling them they were “great in bed” when in fact their partner was “terrible”. The psychologists Marelich, Lundquist, Painter, and Mechanic called this type of relationship deception avoidance motivated. But I’m sure my former partners who said I was “great”, 100% surely meant it…right?

How many of us have lied in order to avoid conflict and confrontation? Wait, let me go ahead an answer that; 99%! (There always has to be an exception or at least some one lying about their lying). That number of 99% is based on my intended as well as unintended social research as a 30 year old ‘serial dater’ and should certainly not be challenged, disputed, or refuted (But I welcome you to try).  Avoidance motivated lies are the most common deceptive practice in romantic relationships. These types of lies could also include; having sex with a partner when you did not want to in order to please them, or even having sex to simply maintain and continue the relationship (Marelich, Lundquist, Painter & Mechanic, 2008).

I’m guilty of these forms of relationship deception and its liberating to admit it. I once told my lover she was an “incredible artist of sex”  when she was actually below or sub-par my expectations while making-lust with her when I truly did not want to in order to keep the relationship going and avoid loneliness ALL while faking an orgasm. I cannot tell whether I am healthy or sick for this; you can decide. The four researchers mentioned above might label me ‘The king of avoidance motivated deception’ because of my frauds all occurring almost simultaneously, which is a crown I would wear proudly the next time I “whore” myself out to avoid conflict and being alone. This paragraph may have had a little facetiousness’ in it but I believe you get my nudge.

Obviously I’m teasing a little bit with my sarcasm; but did you know hurtful-teasing in romantic relationships can be considered another form of deception? In a separate recent study, a group of researchers defined 'deceiving' as essentially any communicator strategically controlling information in their messages to their partner in order to manipulate the truth. Based on this definition, hurtful teasing is then without question, deception. When people tease in romantic relationships they usually point out physical flaws, strange habits, their partners clothing choices, and many other not-so-flattering observations. This can be viewed as truth “in disguise”. In this study, the researchers pointed out that 94% of people in romantic relationships reported using hurtful-teasing as a strategy to disguise the truthfulness of the tease.

A hurtful-tease, related to sex because that’s what the people want to hear about, could be masked in sarcasm with something like; “I love the way your butt jiggles during sex”, or “Ahh my chubby-bunny gets so worn out and exhausted when we make love and your penis is so cute darlin” or even, “Geeze babe, you might wanna start doing kegel exercises, you’re no spring chicken anymore ha-ha”.

The examples of sarcastic hurtful-teasing are considered relationship deception because the person issuing the statements is disguising their upfront and honest feelings in a tongue-in-cheek manner but still hoping for results to serve their own personal interests. The man commenting on his girlfriend’s backside jiggling is trying to playfully inspire her to lose weight. The woman speaking of her man as a “chubby bunny” is hoping for the same, but also throwing spirited ‘poison darts’ at the size of his penis. The man making fun of his lady’s vagina is expecting her do something about it. I think most people would agree with the idea that a strong majority of all jokes have at least a sliver of truth motivating their performance. That sliver being concealed is deception.

I guess what I have learned from these studies on romantic relationships deception is; that I should lie if I really want a successful sexual partnership…or maybe not? Until next time...question everything your partners says or oppositely give them the benefit of the doubt; hell what I know I’m just a ‘serial dater’ with loneliness issues.