Deception in Sexual History Disclosure

Mike Polotto

Research Question:

What do romantic relationship partners most often deceive each other about? (ever-changing)

 

                Since I was a teenager I have heard the unwritten “rule of thirds” when it comes to disclosing the amount of sexual partners a person has been with.  This ‘rule’ has haunted me and had me questioning the truthfulness of just about every lover I’ve had in the beginning disclosure stages of our relationships. I can remember when I was 19 I fell for this adorable and ridiculously sweet cheerleader at my first college. She seemed completely trustable and credible with everything she did or said. Then the often dreadful conversation of past sexual history came up. I told her my number with complete honesty because I had no shame. She then responded with her number, 4. I trusted her disclosure was honest and we continued our relationship. A few days later one of my friends reminded me of this ‘rule’ and that I should multiply her number by 3 and that will help me reach the truth about her past history. This idea ate me up to the point of exhaustion and I was internally forced to end the relationship. Obviously this ‘times-3’ notion is not scientifically proven but yet its effects can be brutal. It was been portrayed in popular movies and television shows however, so that in turn means it certainly must be fact…right?

                In romantic relationships the disclosing of sexual history can be an issue that either adds to, or breaks down the growth of the particular relationship. It has been a hot-button of deception concerning romantic partners since Adam met Eve (obviously this is an exaggeration because they were both virgins).  There have been numerous studies which have analyzed the ideas of sexual disclosure. Anne Luchetti led one of these to explore deception on the topic. She placed the disclosure under two categories; “the need to reveal”, and the “need to conceal”.

                Safe-sex comes in many forms nowadays; the “need to reveal” is considered one of them. It is seen as trusting your partner enough to disclose potentially risky sexual history. This empowers your partner with helpful information that allows them to make up their own mind about continuing with the relationship in regards to sexual practices. Luchetti also analyzed the “need to conceal”; this is a form of protecting oneself in sexual history disclosure. The ‘concealer’ may be worried their upfront honesty could lead to embarrassment and potentially harm the relationship in its development stages. They also may feel their sexual history is irrelevant to their current situation so why reveal potentially harmful material. This is a form privacy protection in the early realms of a romantic relationship.

                Another study done by researcher Wendy L. Nichols of Marrimack College also looked into protection of one’s privacy in sexual history disclosure.  She found that the person who feels they have the complete right to control and regulate their sexual information history may feel they are free to regulate access to it as well. These folks believe this form of information isn’t necessary history their partner is entitled to know. Nichols found that this type of concealment does in fact fall under the label of deception. Is holding back of information in, romantic relationships, which could potentially harm your partner in fact deceiving them?

                The obsession with sexual partner numbers is no doubt and issue that affects romantic relationships. We as individuals in romantic dyads must learn to weigh our own pros and cons, positives and negatives, as well as levels of security in our own personal relationships. We should work to ignore the social pressures and media representations of how relationships ‘ought to be’, and take control of who, what, and when we are happy and satisfied. If we are comfortable with our partners then we should work to trust them until there is an upfront issue that makes that no longer possible. Who your lover was with in the past, or the amount of people they have been with, should not hold weight in your decision to continue developing the relationship or end it. We all have a past we cannot change; we should not waste precious energies attempting to worry about ours or others. We have a future that requires the necessary attention in order to reach the satisfaction we all deserve. Focus on tomorrow and yesterday is but a memory.