“I
lied to her because I love her.” What an interesting and ironic statement. This
gem was issued to me in a conversation I recently had with a close friend while
having beers and discussing his latest relationship woes with his girlfriend.
My friend had misled his partner about a lunch “date” he had gone on a few days
before with an ex-girlfriend from his college years. This blast-from-the-past
randomly entered his life while on a run in the hills just outside the city and
he said it was actually “good to see her”. They dated for about two years long
before him and his current girlfriend had even met. This ex-flame, politely
asked him to accompany her for a bite to eat so they could “catch up” before
she had to fly home the following morning. Although my friend felt a little
uneasy about the offer, he made the decision to accept.
Nothing
happened but face-stuffing (with only food of course) and friendly conversation
(or so he told me), yet my friend felt compelled to deceive his current
girlfriend when she inquired into what he had done for lunch on the day in
question. As soon as she asked, he panicked and quickly muttered, “Just grabbed
a foot-long from Subway”, and left the room. His girlfriend, who resides in a
realm of trust in their relationship, immediately believed him and the
conversation topic was dropped and forgotten; forgotten at-least by her. My friend however, entered a different realm
of thought and emotion. He was now in the justification phase of deception.
In
a 2010 study by Levine, Kim, and Hamel they discussed noted philosopher and
ethicist Sissela Bok’s “principle of veracity”. This is a moral asymmetry (or
lack of symmetry) between truth and deception in that, “truthful statements are
preferable to lies in the absence of special considerations” (Levine, Kim &
Hamel, pg. 272). This means people would certainly rather tell the truth because
telling the truth is easier and requires no justification. My friend needed to
come to terms with him-self and why he felt the need to lie to his current
girlfriend. Justification can be exhausting in the struggle externally as well
as internally. My friend not only had to battle with himself about the act of
going to lunch with an ex, he also had to struggle with the lie itself; this
why he almost tricks himself into deception-acceptance with the ironic
statement to me of, “I lied to her because I love her.”
With
his justifying statement, he is implying that he deceived his partner in order
to protect her. Although he felt he did nothing wrong or inappropriate with the
ex-girlfriend, he assumed his current girlfriend might not see it that way.
Because he thought his current partner might over-react he issued the lie to
her out of necessity, in order to spare her feelings as well as an eruption of
an argument between them. In the above study I mentioned, the researchers also
brought up R.E. Turner’s (1975) list of five motivations for deception; to save
face, to manage relationships, to exploit, to avoid tension or conflict, and to
control situations (Levine, Kim, & Hamel 2010). The friend in my example
lied in order to avoid a fight as well as keep his current partner’s feelings
from being hurt. His goals were self-serving because the deception was the path
of least resistance for him. The lie equaled less work in the form of
explanations of why he did what he did. His goals of saving face, managing his
relationship, avoiding tension or conflict, and controlling the situation seem
complicated and thoughtful in yet they were performed and accomplished in a
matter of moments; Second nature? Human nature?
Goals
and motive play the most significant roles in deception and the performance of
it. “deceit is more or less probable depending on the importance of the goal,
the difficulty of goal attainment absent deceit, and the probability of
avoiding detection” (2010, pg. 284). People lie for a specific reason(s)
because telling the truth is personally-preferable and less work. Often lies
and deceit are perceived by the receiver if the specific reasons and motives
are easily detectable. My friend’s current girlfriend did not perceive any
motive to lie by him in talking about what he had for lunch therefore assumed
he was telling the truth.
Earlier
when I quoted what my friend replied to his wife in response to her asking him
what he had done for lunch I wrote, “Just grabbed a foot-long from Subway”. Now
this is where deception study gets a little complicated. My friend did in fact
have a foot-long sandwich on that day, he just left out that it was with an
ex-girlfriend of his. Now, did he truly lie (“truly-lie”, what a concept) when
he responded the way he did to his girlfriend’s inquiry in to what he did for
“lunch”? Another group of researchers headed by Timothy Levine, in their study,
“Self-Construal, Self and Other Benefit,
and the Generation of Deceptive Messages”, would argue yes. He is guilty of
a form of deception by leaving out specific information. Deception by
equivocation or evasion is still deception by any other name. This form of
deception is issuing statements to your partners which are not literally false
but purposefully avoid any unpleasant truth(s) (Levine, Lapinksi, Banas, Wong,
Hu, Endo, Baum, & Anders 2002).
My
friend did not lie when he said he ate at Subway, but he was being deceitful
when he left out the information involving the ex-girlfriend even though it may
have been potentially harmful to his relationship. In Grice’s (1989)
Information Manipulation Theory (IMT), research on deception is viewed as
information control. “IMT views deception as arising from covert violations of
one or more of Grice’s four Maxims (quality, quantity, relevance, manner)”
(Levine 2002, pg. 32). The deceptive leaving-out of information or “lies of
omission” fall under the violation of the quantity
maxim. My friends chose precisely how much information to give-up and still
respond to his current girlfriends’ question.
Deception
in romantic relationships may figuratively come in many shapes, forms, and sizes.
It may not all be considered good or bad, but it is certainly relational to
motive. Why a person lies to their partner weighs heavily on its perception of being
seen as right or wrong, white or dark, or evil and not-so-evil. But if you lie because
you love someone, than you really must be some kind of hero. So bravo my lying
(or leaving out of important information) about “lunch” friend, kudos to your
strength and fortitude…I guess. Hope it never comes back to bite you on your behind.
Hmm.
References:
Levine, R., Kim, R., Hamel, M. (2010) "People lie for a reason: Three experiments documenting the prinicple of veracity", Communication Research Reports. Vol. 27, No. 4. pp. 271-298
Levine, R., Lapinksi, M.K., Banas, J., Wong, C.H., Hu, A.S., Endo, K., Baum, K.L., Anders, L.N., (2002) "Self-Contrual, self and other benefit, and the generation of deceptive messages. Journal of Communication Research. Vol. 31, No.1. pp. 29-47
References:
Levine, R., Kim, R., Hamel, M. (2010) "People lie for a reason: Three experiments documenting the prinicple of veracity", Communication Research Reports. Vol. 27, No. 4. pp. 271-298
Levine, R., Lapinksi, M.K., Banas, J., Wong, C.H., Hu, A.S., Endo, K., Baum, K.L., Anders, L.N., (2002) "Self-Contrual, self and other benefit, and the generation of deceptive messages. Journal of Communication Research. Vol. 31, No.1. pp. 29-47
Your intro was a great example leading up the this principle: "He was now in the justification phase of deception." You mention Sissela Bok, and at some point you might be interested in tracking down a copy of her book, Lying. I read it as a Master's student and it really got my attention. It's a quick, interesting read.
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ReplyDeleteHey Mike, first thing is first, interesting blog! You begin with the statement, “I lied to her because I love her.” I don’t know whether this is a commonly used phrase, or if the idea of it is common, but I feel I hear it all of the time. On one hand, my initial thought is how ludicrous that statement seems. On the other hand, that statement makes a lot of sense to me. You hint at this as well as you begin to ask the question of whether or not what your friend said was in fact a lie. You end up claiming that it might not have been a lie, but it was at least deception. I think this is all made clear by Levine, Kim, and Hamel as they talked about the justification phase. To me, it would seem if there were any sense of justification needed, then deception is probably at hand. Yes, you might need justification for an action when the truth is told, but when deception exists, you need justification for what you tell or do not tell. I know that was a bit of a ramble, but do you think there is a point in time where deception really is for the better? It seems you might lean that way at the end of your blog, but if truth is in fact easier, as your blog says, then is deceit ever worth it?
ReplyDeleteJared,
ReplyDeleteThis whole deception study has me more confused and conflicted on what deception even is, as well as when it is for the "better". Lying because you love someone is no doubt strange to say and gives me a case of the heebie-jeebies even repeating it. However, that being said, it happens all the time and I am guilty of it as well. Humans are sensitive creatures, what makes us amazing is our ability to think and "feel" (emotionally). So when we hear things that upset us we get a physical reaction that can often cause pyschosis and uncontrollable reactions. Because of this, people often deceive in order to protect the receiver from such emotions and reactions.
The truth should in fact be easier, but is it always? The truth can be exhasuting in justification of "why" and have strong negative effects on relationships, and this may be why deception is almost 'common' practice. Society turns a squinted eye on deception and lying is collectively veiwed as wrong, but there sure seems to be many exceptions. We have to pick and chose our battles on an individual platform. There is too much ambiguity and confusion on societal's versions of deceptions, so it must be personally subjective. A person knows to themselves what feels right or wrong. They must use their own concious and moral compass in deciding what is deception, and when its "appropriate".
Mike, your blog was really well written this week and flowed well. I really liked the intro story and the way you were able to reference it to make your points throughout the post. First of all, I guess I still don’t get why your friend lied about having lunch at Subway with his ex – partly because it seems like Subway is not really the place to go cheat on your wife (not exactly a romantic setting haha) so it wouldn’t seem suspicious, and partly because it just seems like a pointless lie based on his assumption (but not knowledge) that his girlfriend would get mad. I think part of that is just me placing my own assumptions on the situation though as I know I wouldn’t get mad if my husband did that or vice versa. To me it seems that, by lying, it makes the situation more serious. If I found out my husband had lunch with an ex and lied to me about it, I would then question why he would lie and the situation would seem more than just a sandwich and a friendly conversation.
ReplyDeleteI also question this notion that, regardless of whether or not he lied, if his omission is even bad (I know, that completely contradicts what I just said!). I’m confused about my own feelings on this but it made me think of the concept that he really did lie to protect his wife. If he now owns up about the lie, would it be to serve his own feelings of guilt or to make his wife happy? I would hazard a guess and say probably the former … :)
Tabitha, I can feel your frustration about the situation and how it was played out trust me. But maybe that's cause we are logical and rational thinkers. My cynical fear is that there are too many thinkers out there that may not be as logical as us. Because of this, "world doom" perspective I may or may not have, I assume the situation in my example may be more normal then we would hope. To play devil's advocate, what if Subway is the perfect place to cheat? Generic and less obvious? All-American 5 dollar sandwich consuming form of worker-class cheating? I'm from the school of always, or anything as close to it, tell the truth. But I do this in an almost self-serving manner. I follow it because when you tell the truth, the whole truth, the responsibility becomes placed on the receiver and their abilities to comprehend and accept it or reject and challenge it. Is omission still deception? The research says yes, but I might lean toward, maybe. I know that's still very bi-partisan of me but my research still continues and I honestly can't make up my mind on what is deception and what is not.
ReplyDeleteGreat blog! I find your research very interesting and am always looking forward to what you will write about next. Sissla Bok, I believe, also addressed the different levels of justification we may go through (my memory is a bit rusty on this)when we find the need to lie. First,we justify it to ourselves ("I don't want to hurt her feelings over nothing."), and then our peers ("Hey Mike, don't you agree? I shouldn't tell her."), and then we take it to the public (people beyond your immediate circle). Once we have done all three, then we have fully justified our lie. I think your friend has only hit level 2 - he went to you to help justify his lie. Now, he just needs to get some feedback from the public and he can feel fully vindicated in his deception. :)
ReplyDelete"All-American 5 dollar sandwich consuming form of worker-class cheating?" That cracked me up! Point taken, I guess I shouldn't assume that just because it's Subway that people can't cheat there ;)
ReplyDeleteChristine, haha yeah your right about the steps of justification and which step my befuddled buddy is in. He did try to help me assist in his justification but I refused advice and told him "always tell the truth" well except when you have to lie that is...Wink! So he might have to try another avenue for step 2 to accomplished. And thanks for your words of encouragement I appreciate your enjoyment.
ReplyDeleteBy the way I wrote this blog today with a 100 plus temperature and a flu that had me in hallucination and shiver-sweat mode the entire night...and for that, I bow.
ReplyDeletePretty lucid for a 100+ degree temp- impressive!
ReplyDelete