"Darlin, how does this dress look on me?"
One of the questions or something similar to it, that most if not all romantic
relationships are confronted with. How is the man in this situation supposed to
respond? Should he be completely upfront and honest or should he use flattery
and lie a little to protect her feelings? This conundrum may be a simple one
for the fella, if she in fact looks amazing in the aforementioned dress, or he
atleast personally thinks she does. The man could even be strategic in his
response with grey area, ambiguous, off-the-hook answers; He could say
something like, "you look great in anything, dear." or "whatever
you feel comfortable in, babe". Most people believe lying is always bad;
but is it? If the man in this example were to tell the honest truth about how
his partner looks in the dress, he could risk hurting her feelings and in turn
damaging the relationship.
The folks who believe lying is never good, are
probably people with no friends. Sometimes a person must lie in order to spare
the feelings of someone they care about. This idea never fully settles with my
conscious and personal beliefs on deception and lies, I guess that’s why have I
have such few friends...hmm. Deception scholars have titled the practice of
lying in order to protect others as deceptive affection. This is just as the slogan
says, affection? Researchers Horan and Booth-Butterfield in 2010, after their
study on what’s worth lying for, came to the conclusion that deceptive
affection may
not necessarily have a negative impact on relationships. This deception can in
turn be an effective ‘tool’ to avoid problems and issues and actually may
strengthen romantic relationships.
So if some deception in relationships can be viewed as affection, then
what other kinds of lying can be deemed socially acceptable? When the man from
the dress example is confronted with another tough question by his partner similar
to; “have you ever had sex with anyone I know?” What should he do? Should he
tell his current partner something like this in response?
“Yes honey, I have had great sex with three people you know, but don’t
you worry your pretty lil’ heart out, it was long before we were together.”
This truthful answer could and certainly would have a negative effect on his relationship. His partner might then begin to wonder things like; how great the 3 were exactly, if they were better than her, if her man still thinks about them, if he fantasizes about them while making love to her, if he wants to be with them instead of her. The woman then also may vent and stew on the thought of him being with another woman to the point the relationship becomes doomed. So this is another example of lying to protect, but it is also deception to protect privacy. These are both forms of socially acceptable lies according to a 2002 study by Seiter, Bruschke, and Bai. The privacy being protected in this example was not only the man’s, but also the former lovers the woman was inquiring about. The three women’s reputations, amongst other things, deserve protection as well. The three social science researchers called this form of deception, competent communication.
Seiter, Brushke, and Bai also looked at the differences between socially acceptable and unacceptable deception. If lying to benefit others or protect privacy is deemed acceptable then lying for selfish or exploitive reasons is considered socially unacceptable in romantic relationships. The man lying about how his wife looks in the dress, would be in the wrong according to society, if he told his partner she looked amazing in order to receive sexy-time in the form of sexual intercourse with her. He would also be looked down upon by society if he responded to the question of previous sexual partners, with a lie in order to dodge the question in hopes that his wife might fix his favorite dinner on that evening. This brings up what the three researchers found as their number one factor in determining what deception is acceptable and what is not; motive. A person’s intention or driving force motivation for lying in relationships is what research shows as its acceptability factor.
Before you lie to your partner next (because we all know you will, even
it’s a “white” affectionate lie) maybe you should stop to think what your
driving-motive is. If your motive is clear and unacceptable to YOU, then do not
go forward with your deception. And if you feel your partner may be lying to
you, try to assess their motivations, because it may be in fact to protect you.
I was next to a guy on an airplane once who was writing a song called “lies
lead to love”, by god he may have brilliantly been on to something.
Mike Polotto
